


In Which Sam Gagner Wakes Up a Woman and John Tavares is Kind of Unhelpful

by thesaddestboner



Series: home_ice commentfic [2]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Community: home-ice, Crack, Edmonton Oilers, Gen, Gender or Sex Swap, New York Islanders, Not Beta Read, Plot Holes Large Enough to Drive a Semi Through, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-01
Updated: 2013-09-01
Packaged: 2017-12-25 07:12:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/950201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaddestboner/pseuds/thesaddestboner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The first thing Sam does when it happens is call John, like John’ll know better than anyone what to do.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Sam Gagner Wakes Up a Woman and John Tavares is Kind of Unhelpful

**Author's Note:**

  * For [isitasolarfever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/isitasolarfever/gifts).



> [](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/isitasolarfever/profile)[**isitasolarfever**](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/isitasolarfever/) prompted me with "Someone on the Oilers turns into a girl" at the [](http://home_ice.livejournal.com/profile)[**home_ice**](http://home_ice.livejournal.com/) [friending/prompt meme](http://home-ice.livejournal.com/13077.html), so this is all her fault.
> 
> Pay no attention to the gaping plot hole a semi could drive through. It's commentfic, what do you expect. :|
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/thesaddestboner) and [tumblr](http://saddestboner.tumblr.com).

The first thing Sam does when it happens is call John, like John’ll know better than anyone what to do. Like John’ll know what to do now that his best guy friend has—somehow—woken up a woman.

“I—I don’t...” John trails off and for a brief moment, Sam thinks he’s hung up on him. He hears the rustling of comforters and the creaking of bedsprings. “Like... You woke up a woman. Seriously?”

Sam sighs. “Yes. I, Sam Gagner, seriously woke up a woman. I now have woman parts.”

“Woman parts,” John says slowly, taking care to enunciate. There’s the hint of laughter in his tone and, presumably, a smile on his face Sam wishes he could slap off.

“I don’t know what to do and you were the first person I thought to call,” Sam says in a breathless rush. “I’m pretty sure my mom and dad would just freak out, like, who wouldn’t, and I dunno. I’m kinda freaking out myself, Johnny.”

“You’re Sam Gagner. You’re not afraid of anything,” John says on a yawn.

“What happens if I don’t change back? Why did I even change in the first place?” Sam wonders aloud to himself.

“I’m sure it’ll wear off,” John says.

“You suck. You suck and I hate you,” Sam says hotly.

“You don’t hate me.” John sounds confident, like he believes this is irrefutable, like this will always be the case. 

It probably is, but still.

“But you agree you suck,” Sam retorts.

“I admit nothing,” John says.

Sam rolls onto his stomach in bed, preparing to shove his face under a mound of pillows and smother himself, but he happens to elbow himself in the boobs somehow and nearly twists off a nipple in the process.

When he’s done screaming, John ventures, sounding cautious, “You okay over there?”

“Fuck. You.” Sam rubs his aching nipple.

“Hey man, don’t take it out on me.”

“Sorry,” Sam says, still rubbing his nipple. “I just de-nippled myself.”

“I’m sorry,” John says. He pauses, gumming his lips, humming and sounding worrisomely contemplative. “I’m sure it’ll wear off. But maybe there’s a lesson you should be learning or something. Maybe the gods of genderswaps turned you into a woman so you would learn how to better appreciate the fairer sex.”

Sam frowns. “But I appreciate women just fine. Women are fucking awesome. I have a mom and sisters, I know how to treat women with respect.”

“I don’t know what to say then,” John says.

“I probably pissed off a witch somewhere down the line,” Sam says. He sighs heavily and scrubs a hand through his hair.

“You should maybe not piss off witches,” John says, like this kind of thing happens all the time. “Just for future reference.”

“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Sam and John both fall silent again, and Sam wishes he could fill the empty pockets of conversation with nervous chatter just so he doesn’t have to think about this—this thing that’s happened to him, but he can’t force himself to speak. What the hell is he gonna say, anyway? Sam doesn’t even want to think about it right now, much less talk about it.

“Hey,” John says, cutting Sam’s thoughts short, sending them scattering into the wind like leaves.

“Yeah?” Sam asks.

“It’ll be okay,” John says.

“How do you know?”

John has the gall to laugh. “I just do. You’ve gotta trust me on this.”

Sam wants to protest, but the words die before they can leave his mouth. “I do. Trust you, I mean,” he says.

“Good. I have to go. If you need anything, just call or text. Okay?” John says. 

John sounds reluctant, like ending the call is the last thing he wants to do. It makes Sam’s insides ache a little bit.

“Okay,” Sam says.

John disconnects and Sam hits ‘end.’

Sam looks down at his chest. The boobs are okay, not big enough that they won’t fit under his padding and jersey. The lack of a dick probably means he’ll have to stuff his jock or go without it altogether, though he’s not actually that upset anymore, weirdly enough. Aside from the different anatomy, he looks mostly the same. He can fake it for long enough that he can buy a little time to figure out what he’s going to do about this.

Sam can almost feel the weight of his stick in his hands and the solid ice under his skate blades. For now, everything’s okay.

**Author's Note:**

> The author of this piece intends no insult, slander, or copyright infringement, and is not profiting from this work. This story is a complete work of fiction and does not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. This is for entertainment purposes only. If you found this story while Googling your name or the names of your friends, hit the back button now.


End file.
